Last night was tough. And my emotions were so high. Today, I’ve come to so many realizations, and they’re still sinking in.
I’m a lot calmer now, surprisingly. I woke up a lot of times and ended up crying, but that’s normal. It was really a sad experience.
But I’m thankful for her. She
showed me made me feel that I am worthy of being loved. I still love her, but I have to love myself more. It was the same with her. She still loves me, I believe that. But during the relationship, I guess we both loved each other too much, to the extent that we forgot to love ourselves. We lost ourselves, and nearly destroyed ourselves in the process. I think that’s more important in a relationship - a solid base. Something we never had since it was too fast and we were admittedly both not ready.
I want to focus now on myself. She made me realize that I settled too much. I have dreams that were not getting done. I have plans that weren’t moving. I have goals that were disappearing. I was stuck in my comfort zone, and that made me weak. I hope when the time comes that I’m ready, and she’s ready, we can begin again. But I cannot promise that anymore. But right now, I can still hope.
I love her so much.
I’m not okay right now. Everything is still raw.
There are so many thoughts going on in my mind right now, and I’m having trouble sorting it all out, which is probably a good thing. If not, I’d probably be crawling from all that happened. Today I think she broke up with me. She didn’t say it explicitly, but I got the gist of it. The hard part is that I know she loves me.
I know its true, but right now with every raw nerve I think the reasons were all bullshit. How can she say that she loves me and then in the same breath say we’re not okay together? It hurts. It hurts so much. Isn’t love supposed to be powerful enough to heal and mend and all that crap? If you love someone, you hold on. If you love someone you don’t let go over the slightest reasons. It hurts so much. I feel my heart breaking. I can’t even breathe anymore. All this weight crushing down my chest. It just hurts so much………
I feel worthless. I feel as if I don’t matter. I feel that my love is not enough for anything. Where did I go wrong? These things haunt me. What else is there to feel or think when someone you love so dearly breaks up with you? Maybe since this is my first breakup that it hurts so bad. I really believed with all my heart that she’s the one I’ll marry. But right now, it seems like a fool’s dream.
I’m trying to understand what she told me. She told me she loves me and that I make her happy, but those two things are not enough for a relationship. I find it hard to accept, but there are times when it’s true, when the relationship is abusive. But what if there’s no such thing? I know I still have my issues, but I never fought her with her, I never hurt her or abused her. I was always respectful, even during her mood swings. I understood some things she told me, but I didn’t agree with the other things. I think its easier to accept if she just told me she didn’t love me anymore. But the fact that she loves me and still decided that we’re not good together, it just hurts. I think her issues were also coming out. How could two events suddenly turn into a breakup? The first one she felt I was pushing her away. The second one wasn’t even about her. She was affected by how I felt over something else. And she didn’t like how I made her feel when in fact I wasn’t feeling anything negative towards her. But that’s what she chose.
She said that we were not good together because of how I made her feel when I’m not okay. I guess what she said was true - she isn’t ready for a relationship, for commitment. I understood that, but I still told her that I won’t force her or become an obstruction. But apparently I was. I just find it sad that she didn’t fight for us.
The truth is, I really love her. And I tried to do my best to make her feel that. It’s just that both our issues clashed, and things broke down. It isn’t good for both of us. I understand that. I just hope in the future, when we’re both finally alright with our issues, we can be together. I want to hope. I hope she waits for me, but if she finds someone better than me, I hope he can always make her happy. I hope he loves her and never mistreats her. I hope they find happiness and build up one another.
I love you Sarah.
Sometimes all it takes is something small to set off an avalanche.
It happens sometimes, and I wonder where it comes from. Is it too much stress piled on for the day? Maybe its like that. Sometimes tiny little stresses sneak up on you, and you just wave them off as nuisance until finally, out of nowhere something happens that sets it all off. All those tiny things aren’t so tiny anymore because they’ve somehow managed to merge into some big thing that you cannot explain, yet the entire weight of it is crushing. Some days are like that.
But it makes me think. Can tiny fragments of happiness also build up? Maybe its all a matter of perspective. The fact that it still happens to me means I still have a lot to learn about myself, and a lot more changing to do. I want to continue growing. The first step is always the hardest.
I want to get back into writing again for two main reasons. I miss being able to write about my thoughts and feelings, and I want to know if somehow I’ve changed since the last time I’ve been writing.
On the first reason, being able to write releases some of the mental and emotional stress I may be feeling. Maybe that’s the thing with introverts, we may not be able to express ourselves to others openly, but that doesn’t mean we like to keep things bottled up inside. We just like to think and dwell and rethink some more. And when we’re ready, we also need outlets for those thoughts. It’s not good keeping emotions inside so long. They have a tendency of eating you up from inside. A good friend or a journal really helps.
On the second reason, I have been reading my past entries. And I only seem to write when I’m not at my best. Melancholy, that’s my preferred style. I want to see how far I’ve come from that, because I want to believe I can write even when I’m happy. And I am happy. Slowly, but surely. The journey isn’t over to say the least, but I am making progress. I’m happy with myself. I don’t cringe anymore with the thought of being alone in my thoughts. And that’s a good thing. I want to stay that way.
So this is me now. I’m happier and more positive. And hopefully, I’m back.
How come some people seem to find relationships so easily while others have no luck at it. Is it really all luck? Or maybe there’s some special skill involved? Whatever it is, seems like it’s something I lack badly.
I’m at that point again where I’m lost at what to do. Same old story. I like someone, but for some reason I have no idea about (or maybe I do), her response is less than ideal. She doesn’t respond much. When I try to ask her out, there’s always a reason to decline, or not respond at all. I’m not too paranoid to know that she’s clearly active in avoiding me. And let me say, trying to stay positive right now is too difficult at times. I’m actually slowly spiraling down. Which leads me to ask time and again: is there something wrong with me?
It’s during these times that I sometimes wish that I didn’t have a heart that could feel. Can a heart be broken so bad that it just stops? Maybe. I might find out one of these days.
Maybe I need to find new friends.
Sometimes I feel really alone, and it seems that when it happens I can’t find any of my friends around. It doesn’t happen often but when it does, I don’t like the feeling. I’ve gone through a lot in the past few years, and I’ve also learned a lot. I’ve learned how to avoid issues. I’ve learned how to look for new people when the current ones let me down. I’ve learned to deny my feelings when they don’t seem like they’re headed anywhere. I’ve learned how to move on, somewhat. I’ve learned how to hide. I’ve learned how to build my walls stronger, higher, thicker. But no matter how secure my defenses seem, there are days like this… when everything seems pointless, when my life seems like a desert wasteland.
I hate days like this, when I feel less about myself. When I can’t help but ask, “is there something wrong with me?” Why is it that people just drop me? Especially people I care about or people I trust to be there. Maybe that’s why I trust less and less people. Because people let me down. I’ve learned how to think more positively, but there are days when its so, so difficult to do.
I hate these days.
I just saw “We Bought a Zoo” recently in the theaters, and just a while ago “Super 8” and I must say, I’m quite bitten with the Elle Fanning Fever. She’s so cute!!! Especially her smile. I’ve also seen her interviews on TV and I just love how she laughs and talks. Her laughter is so light like sunshine. I don’t know how to describe it, but that quality, I’ve only seen in a few people. Those are the people who have a smile so bright, a laugh so light in the heart, or just a presence that feels very positive that if you ever see them feel sad in any way, the whole world seems too cruel all of a sudden.
Anyway, here are the recent celebrities I find interesting (and cute!):
1. Elle Fanning (ofcourse!)
2. Chloe Moretz
4. Taeyeon (SNSD)
5. Emma Stone (awesome girl!)
It feels nice to admire people. I wish them the best in their careers! I hope I meet all of them, that would be awesome. But I fear I may become speechless, haha.